Oh, Scrap
by Redgurl13
Summary: Soundwave was relying on Starscream and Barricade. How hard could it possibly be to babysit six hyperactive Cassetticons with an addiction to NCIS? Crack-fic. Don't like don't read. Rated T to be safe. R&R!
1. Oh, Scrap

Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers or any of the characters. They belong to Hasbro.

The halls of the _Nemesis_ were quiet, disturbingly so. Soundwave was just finishing up his late-night shift in the control room. He slowly glanced about himself but he didn't see anything suspicious. As if nature seemed to feel a void that needed filling due to the lack of unusual occurrences, Starscream walked through the door. This in itself would not be considered unusual, had Starscream's servos not been bound behind his back and his mouth gagged.

Soundwave felt an intense wave of panic surge through his body, but quickly suppressed it, his visor and battle mask effectively hiding all emotions, giving him his consistently stoic appearance. He had asked Starscream and Barricade to watch over (babysit) the cassetticons while he pulled the night shift. It was two fully grown mechs against six hyperactive and rebellious younglings. He mentally face-palmed. _Should've known they wouldn't stand a chance._

Shaking his head, he walked over to an irate-looking Starscream and untied his hands. Starscream removed his gag and proceeded to glare venom at Soundwave. This was bad, this was _unusual_, normally Starscream would make true of his name and shriek like a banshee that had just discovered it liked hard rock. Instead, he got the silent treatment.

"Inquiry: What happened?" Soundwave asked, using his vocalizer for the first time since he asked Barricade and Starscream to watch the cassettes. It crackled with static from disuse, but he ignored it for the meantime and decided he would get a tune-up tomorrow.

Starscream's optics narrowed dangerously. If he hadn't had a reputation to keep, Soundwave would have cringed. Starscream opened his mouth and his words were practically dripping acid.

"What happened? What _happened?_"he hissed, stalking closer to the larger mech, effectively cornering him. "I'll tell you what _happened_. Those hellions _happened_ that's what." This time, Soundwave did cringe. "They tied us up, Barricade and I, they _tortured _Barricade, and then they _left_ us."

"Inquiry: Where is Barricade?"

"In his quarters, recovering." Scarsceam said, waving his hand dismissively. Clearly, he was affronted by what had befallen himself, and was less concerned about his babysitting partner.

"And the younglings?"

" How should _I_ know? They disappeared after they tortured Barricade."

"Fact: Children are not evil. Inquiry: Why would they torture Barricade?"

Starscreams eyes seemed to glare at him harder, if that was even possible. "They _are _evil, and they were torturing him because he refused to allow them to watch that human show, NCIS."

_Scrap. _It was around that time when Soundwave felt his blood starting to turn cold. The younglings had been _denied_ NCIS. One of the first things he had noticed about coming to this mudball planet was that the TV. show had some sort of mystic calming effect on the cassettes. The first time he had seen them watching it, he had thought that the Autobots had infiltrated the base and somehow placed some sort of hypnotic device in his quarters. The children had sat around the screen, unmoving, unblinking, they didn't respond with even a flinch when he had called out to him. He had been torn between panicking, and dropping to his knees and thanking Primus for the miracle he had seen fit to bestow upon him. Eventually, he settled for the latter.

The one time he had tried to talk them out of watching it, they had all frozen, turned slowly towards him and,with hate pouring from their optics, started to surround him with ill-intent written all over their face-plates. TV. Time had immediately been restored after that incident. Briefly, he commended Barricade in his mind for having the ball-bearings to stand up to them. He shuddered to think about the ill-fate which had befallen the reluctant babysitter.

"Command: Take me to Barricade."

Starscream smirked evilly, Soundwave groaned inwardly. It was going to be a _long _night.


	2. Barricade has Left the Building

Disclaimer: I do not own transformers, it belongs to Hasbro

Thank you for the reviews! Enjoy! R&R!

Upon entering the quarters which belonged to Barricade, Soundwave noticed three key things, one, the mech had curled up into a fetal position with his head in his arms and was rocking back and forth, two, Barricade's claws had been painted a hideously bright shade of pink that appeared to illuminate the darkened room, and three, Starscream had taken out some small, rectangular box (obviously squishy in origin), and was muttering about some things called "face-books". If the vile smirk plastered on his face was any indication, whatever he was doing with the box, he was going to regret once Barricade noticed.

A bright flare of light lit up the room, the flash over-exposing optics, which took awhile to adjust to the darkness again. When his optics had properly adjusted and the little dots of light had stopped floating around in front of him, he focused instantly on the look Barricade had fixated on both him and Starscream. "_You!"_ Barricade snarled. His two left-most optics flickered slightly, the Cybertronian equivalent of a human's eye twitching.

Both Soundwave and Starscream gulped. In unison. Loudly. The sound seemed to echo throughout the room, permeating everything and reverberating from the walls. Barricade began slowly uncurling himself, eyes never leaving the two frightened mechs in front of him. Sudden;y, with a great heave against the berth he had been sitting on, Barricade launched himself at the Seeker with all the force of a Saleen Mustang colliding at great speed with an F-22 Raptor.

"You _abandoned me!_" The enraged police car snarled, tackling the jet to the ground. Soundwave sent a silent prayer to Primus that he had not been the one Barricade had decided to tackle to the ground and put in a choke hold, however, feeling slightly guilty at both his hired Babysitters' fates, he decided he had better speak up (Starscream's face was getting a weird blue-ish color and Barricade was smiling down at him with a look on his face that is probably better left undescribed).

"Command: Barricade will release Starscream. Inquiry: Are you okay? How did your claws attain such...colors?" (assuming the nauseating shade of pink that now adorned Barricade's claws could in fact be called a color)

Barricade stiffened and turned his crazed glare onto Soundwave, who gulped and felt a strange sense of deja vu. "Am I _okay? _Well, I've been tied up, abandoned, had my claws painted some awful color, and to top it all off, now those vile critters have free run of the base! So, if that sounds okay to you, then yes I'm perfectly fine." Here he stopped, looking somewhat hysterical.

"Barricade has left the building" Starscream muttered, his breath now coming back to him. (Barricade had released his hold during his rant.) "What was the point of painting your claws anyway? I can think of _so _many better pranks to pull on you than _that."_

"It's _called_ a mani-pedi, according to those (here he used some very colorful vocab that shall not be repeated). They said it was a very popular trend, for _squishy femmes!" _

_Pedi?But doesn't that mean...?_ Soundwave cut off his own thoughts as he looked down at Barricade's peds which had been painted a hideous shade of neon yellow. He winced, this was not going to go well and the way the yellow seemed to glow and pulse was giving him a headache.

"Barricade: Needs to calm down. Inquiry: When are the cassettes? Fact: The neon yellow clashes with the pink."

Barricades optics twitched for the second time before a look of utter terror swept across his features. "N-no, y-you c-can't make m-me! I'll n-never go back to those h-horrid _demons!" _Soundwave would have corrected him on the "demons" part, but even he was starting to doubt the cassettes innocence.

Starscream, who was still slightly out of breath from Barricade's choke-hold, wheezed. "I think that might be easier than we thought. Listen!" From the entrance to 'Cade's quarters, a loud screeching was heard, like the sound of small metal claws dragging down the walls of the hallway.

"Not again. NOT AGAIN!" Barricade whimpered, curling back into sparkling position.

Soundwave cautiously approached the door, it's motion sensors detecting his presence and sliding the door open with a _whoosh_. He peered down the dark hallway, squinting and waiting for his eyes to adjust from the near absolute darkness of Barricade's room. He listened, and sudden;y froze in place, feeling a chill down what would have been a human's spine. The screeching noise had stopped. Suddenly, something small and _furry_ collided with his face.

Starscream and Barricade watched, transfixed in horror as Soundwaves' tall form disappeared from the doorway and a high-pitched, piercing scream split the air.


	3. Of Glitter and Fluffy Things

Notes:

I'm sorry for not updating this sooner, writers block is a curse upon mankind!

I promise that I will try to bring more of the cassettes into it next time, the NCIS theme song is not gone forever!

Sorry for the shortness, I still have a bit of writers block but I'll try to upload another chapter soon.

There are so many different definitions of what "offlined" means for a transformer, mine is the equivalent to passing out, NOT dying or going into a coma

Thank you for the wonderful reviews! Enjoy! R&R!

Disclaimer: I do not own transformers, it belongs to Hasbro

Soundwave shook his head, trying to get the screeching, fluffy thing to retract its claws from his faceplate. He lost his balance and fell over backwards letting out a high-pitched scream in surprise. He landed with a heavy _thud_ on the floor which echoed off the walls and reverberated down the hallway. Reaching up with his hands he peeled the fuzzball off his face, its claws scratching his faceplate as it was dragged forcibly from its perch.

Holding it between two fingers and dangling it as far away from him as possible, he peered down the hallway. This miniscule creature could not have been the source of the screeching noise he had heard earlier with Barricade and Starscream, its anatomy simply did not allow it to move that way. He began to creep stealthily down the hallway (for a two ton alien robot). He stopped where the hallway turned, almost too worried about how much more his sanity could take to go any further. Whatever was around the corner would probably send him around the bend at this rate. He took a deep breath, and turned the corner.

"Well, go look!"

"_You_ go look!"

"_You're _the SIC, your supposed to help out your underlings!"

"Right, and as SIC I _command_ you to go see what happened. Ha."

"Well maybe _I'm_ feeling a little insubordinate today." Barricade retorted and turned his back on Starscream, servos crossed, the perfect image of sass.

"Arrrrggghh!" Starscream stomped his ped and crossed his servos as well. He had a pout on his face that instantly made him go from genius-scientist-seeker-second-in-command-of-the-Decepticons to annoyed-tantrum-throwing-three-year-old in ten seconds flat. "_Someone _has to go looking for Soundwave!"

"Did you _miss _the scream of terror?" Barricade asked, raising an optic ridge.

Soundwave stared dumbstruck at the scene before him. (which for Soundwave meant he looked completely the same as he always did) He was currently trying to find his "happy place", hoping that somehow it would erase what he had just seen from his memory banks. Ravage was sitting before him, the perfect picture of innocence, with his tail curled around his paws and his head cocked to the side. His optics were as wide as he could make them (and pointedly fixated on the fuzzy thing still dangling from his fingers), and he was grinning as sheepishly as a metal tiger could.

This was scary on _so_ many levels. 1. Ravage was NEVER to be considered "innocent". 2. The way his optics were so wide it made it look like they were about to pop out of their sockets at any given time. 3. Felines should **NEVER EVER EVER** smile. 4. It gave their faces a scary combination of murderous and constipated. 5. His fangs were covered in glitter thereby making him look as though he had swallowed a disco ball.

His processor going into overload, Soundwave promptly and effectively offlined.


	4. Where oh Where oh Where is Ravage Pt 1

Notes:

I am a terrible terrible person, which is why I took so long to upload this. Sorry!

I think that this is going to be one of the last few chapter as I'm hoping to wrap this up soon, no promises though.

Sorry for the shortness again, I'll try to upload another chapter soon.

Thank you for the wonderful reviews! Enjoy! R&R!

Disclaimer: I do not own transformers, it belongs to Hasbro

Barricade inched down the hallway, his backstrut and arms pressed against the cool metal walls as he glanced anxiously around. _I shouldn't be here._ He thought nervously as he continued his slow progression in the direction where a large clanking had resounded moments before. _Starscream should really be the one doing this! Why is he so slaggin' good at rock-paper-scissors anyways?_ He pouted. Pausing, he glanced apprehensively from side to side. He had come to a corner. He took a deep breath in, wasn't that what people normally did when they needed courage? Either way, it was _so_ not working. He stood there for a moment, contemplating running back to Starscream and trying to convince him to go. _No! I can do this. I can _do_ this! _He pep-talked himself, and rounded the corner.

Starscream sat in Barricade's quarters with his arms folded and his backstrut slouched. What was taking 'Cade so _long_? _Just goes to prove that if you want something done..._ Ped-steps could be heard pounding rapidly down the hallway. Barricade appeared suddenly in the doorway, optics wild and breathing haggard.

"I. It. Fuzzy. SPARKLES!"

Starscream blinked and stared at Barricade.

"Say wha-"

"SPARKLES!"

"Okay Barricade, just calm down-"

"Sparkles. Sparkles. SPARKLES!" Barricade muttered over and over.

Starscream's eye twitched. Again, the sound of peds reverberated down the hallway. But these were the steps of at least two mechs and was that..._wing s? _His eyes widened. _Oh no!_

The forms of for mechs stood in the doorway. Well, two stood and two hovered, flapping long wings. Rumble, Frenzy, Lazerbeak, and Buzzsaw and the only thought running through Starscream's mind at this point was..._Oh Scrap!_

Barricade turned slowly, with an almost zombie-like expression, to face the newcomers.

"Hey guys..." Frenzy said awkwardly and turned to run. With a savage growl, Barricade launched himself across the room.


	5. Where oh Where oh Where is Ravage Pt 2

Notes: Thank you for the wonderful reviews and for following me! Enjoy! R&R!

Disclaimer: I do not own transformers, it belongs to Hasbro

Soundwave rubbed his aching head. He remembered going down the hallway...Ravage...glitter...and...something _fuzzy_? Speaking of which, his processor was barely registering something underneath his right servo. It was twisting and writhing on the floor underneath him. _What the-?_ He lifted is servo. A panic-stricken fuzzy thing leapt from up fom he floor. It's fur bedraggled and eyes practically rolling in its head the creature tore off down the hall, legs scrabbling in different directions. _Never to be seen again..._ Soundwave thought hopefully, although if he was really unlucky, Ravage would probably find it first. Speaking of which, _Where is he?_

Soundwave turned his head from side to side cautiously, not wanting to increase the throbbing in his head. Ravage was gone. A horrific shriek pierced the stagnant air of the hallway. Soundwave's optics widened in horror behind his visor.

Barricades servos clenched tightly around Frenzy's scrawny neck. Starscream and the other three occupants of the room watched with a sort of morbid fascination. Barricade was basically leering over Frenzy whose faceplates were starting to turn an unattractive shade of blue. Rumbl e looked torn between trying to help his twin and soiling himself. Lazerbeak was muttering something about placing wages, and Buzzsaw appeared to be amused but really, who knew?

Starscream, still petrified to his spot, had a (rare) but sudden epiphany. His optics brightened and he seemed to straighten. Had anyone actually been paying attention to him, there would have been many long-lasting jokes about "light-bulb moments". He ran out the door and scurried to Soundwave's quarters.

Soundwave shuffled down the hall, supporting himself with one servo against the wall. Shortly after he had woken up and the fuzzy-creature-thingy had tore off down the hallway, he had discovered his body to be covered in, he shuddered, _sparkles. _As he walked, he left a lovely glittering trail behind him.

Ravage tore down the hallway at lightening speed. After being caught by Soundwave (and covering hi in sparkles) he had made a hasty retreat to Soundwave's quarters where he was proceeded to shred every bit of material he could find. Curtains, rugs, blankets, the table-runner, pillows, and (his personal favorite) Kleenex. Reveling in his memories of vindictiveness he galloped down the corridor in glee. The only thing that could make this day better would be the look on Barricade's faceplates when he (insert maniacal laughter here).

Rounding the doorway into Barricade's quarters, he froze in amusement at the scene unfolding before him. Frenzy, Rumble, Lazerbeak, and Buzzsaw were tied down in the middle of the room. Starscream was no where to be found, and Barricade was leering over them smugly. His gaze turned over to fix upon Ravage with a look of savage glee. The smirk that had been plastered on Ravage's faceplates was wiped off his face.


	6. How to Capture Your Gremlins

Notes:

Sorry for taking so long to update, this is the last chapter, I promise

Thank you for the reviews! Please keep them coming! R&R ^^

I know it's crappy, and I apologize ahead of time, IM SORRY

Disclaimer: All of Transformers and it's characters belong to Hasbro, not me

-Flash to Starscream-

Rummaging through Soundwave's closet, Starscream held up the object he had been looking for, letting out a squeal of delight before charging down the hallway, cackling maniacally and clutching a neon pink box tightly under one of his limbs.

-Flash to Barricade-

Barricade sat on the floor in his bedroom, looking smugly pleased with himself. Hubris was practically _etched_ onto his faceplates as he watched the _gremlins_. Suddenly, a shadow blocked the doorway. Turning his head to the doorway, he saw an immensely horrifying sight. Standing in the doorway was Starscream, who was wearing a grin that was so wide it would have made clowns jealous. He was also holding a pink box in his servos.

-Flash to Soundwave-

Soundwave wearily trudged to Barricade's room, in the hopes that he had had more success in the mission "Capture the Evil Children" than he had. He stopped dead in his tracks peering in to the doorway in horror at the sight before him. Ravage, Rumble, Frenzy, Buzzsaw, and Lazerbeak had been chained to chairs and seated in front of the television as the theme of NCIS played eerily over the scene. The television seemed to be having some sort of hypnotic effect on them, but this was not the cause of the ominous feel of the situation. This was that all of their plating had been dyed neon pink and purple using that human contraption commonly known as _nail polish_.

-Three Hours later-

Megatron reached to the nearest paper on his desk reading over it in shock. It was a resignation paper from his second in command, third in command, and fourth in command. Megatron sighed and called for another up of energon. It was going to be a long night on the _Nemesis._


End file.
